sounds like an adventure
*I might get diary-like at times, because a major goal of this blog is for me to keep up with myself.*
May 20, 1990: Calvin and Hobbes creator Bill Watterson’s remarkable Kenyon College commencement address on creative integrity.
write about 2400 words of journaling towards my own writing. none much more of the other work i had to do. but yeah for the triumph on my own writing getting out. thoughts that were swirling around in my head.
i am doing better with the “normal” mode of writeordie.com than the “gentle” in which i just continued to click okay and look at other shit. it might be a problem that the annoying sound is going off in my ears right now and i’m still just bobbing my head to Toro y Moi. I might have to do “evil” and “kamikaze” (problematic?) bc i’m clearly in dire procrastination straits, but also, won’t that just increase my anxiety and stop me from writing? let’s see.
current conundrum: procrastinating by reading about how to stop procrastinating?
you know those moments where you wish you had just written what you needed to write when you decided to take that nap and then your whole shit gone thrown off and then you wasted your whole night accidentally watching the Billboard Music Awards (redeeming yourself only by catching Prince) and trying to make up for it by drinking dollar store green tea to stay awake?
i really want to get rid of this trouble now.
i have about a page to two pages to write and i already have an outline and i am dreading it sooo hard. i wrote like 3 sentences earlier and then was tired and took a nap. these are the trials of anxiety and feeling like you’re writing a mini research paper bc you haven’t previously had to just skim the surface and give the most basic information. these are the trials of anxiety and writing abt something you feel you know nothing abt and won’t really learn a whole whole lot abt in the time you have and like it’s never gonna be well written bc you’re not someone who knows a lot.
at least with emotion you know that’s your experience.
every once and while i wonder why i’m not using my degree for jobs. but then i’m sure i’d create a whole nother set of circumstances for failure abt how i hardly remember anything and don’t critique this as well as others. and it’d be just as daunting as writing about farming and agricultural issues.
what am i gonna do?
focus, first, on writing my own story. and actually doing it with no excuses.
i am afraid to put my name on something i know nothing about. that is what’s keeping me from writing.
i know abt my life tho, right? so that’ll make things simpler. doubt it. whole new set of worries if i let them in.
and this is the cycle of thoughts that was going on subconsciously while perusing tumblr, checking facebook knowing got-damn well i had no notifications and my email.
and i will try not to feel like doo-doo abt procrastinating over 1-2pages when i have regularly written 5-7-10-20 from high school to college. my middle school papers might even have been 3-4pgs.
and i just talked abt middle school so i know i’m losing my mind.
this start your life over shit is not easy. my best friend and i talked abt how you have to make all these decisions as an adult with little to no information. i currently have 2 jobs and 1 training for another. i think i can only realistically manage one and have to find one more that is just almost offensively flexible and paying me what i need to live and maybe even thrive a bit. well those two jobs together.
more risk. more neck out. i’ll try not to lose my mind.
and ugh. whine. pitiful scrunched brow/forehead. i’ll go write this page and try not to feel judged by the last email i received that read “Great…”
(mental facepalm)
