and put together all I could possibly manage to make it happen, call in favors, eat out less, maybe postpone that trip I’ve been thinking about to live in a room that acts as a living room, bedroom, and kitchen with an additional room as bathroom, just to have the experience of being alone and the type of freedom I imagined that affording, to feel like I had a bit more space. It is a little farther from things I’m used to accessing from a certain place but it’s not that bad and it did feel kind of spacious. And I know renting things out won’t be perfect and I could just make it mine. I thought about it over Turkish breakfast complete with Peynirli Menemen and bal-kaymak and wrote things out, how I can wrangle some money. I tried to remove the money excuse from my decisions and I did a good job. I was resourceful. And I felt rather empowered.
And then a strange thing happened, I walked into my current room and I felt like I had just come home, for the first time. I rearranged my furniture for more space and decorated my walls a bit the last couple of days and it must have done something bc all of a sudden I didn’t need something brand spanking new. I needed to work with what I have, who I am now. And I realized that in the updated narrative of my life, it was no longer true that I needed to live alone. What was true is that I needed to feel like I was home, and I had my own spacr and I created that somehow while curious and listening to music.
And I’m thinking now that all that money I was prepared to save and round up for May 1st (3300TL for first month’s rent, real estate commission and deposit) I can spend on buying a new, smaller, functioning laptop and travel money. Because in the updated narrative of my life, what I need is to see and experience something new with no contracts, no extras, I need freedom to move and to breathe and leave at a moment’s notice. And I need this familiar that I’ve gotten accustomed to. And instead of wanting to trade everything in, look at what I have and what I can work with and work towards.
Another fun fact, when I went to take a shower this morning and saw the bathroom light wasn’t coming on and that the water was fucking freezing and I wanted to kill someone and rip all my hair out at the same time because I’d assumed this meant my flatmates didn’t pay the bill. I later found out a fuse was just blown. And I know I make assumptions like this to protect me from other traumas in all facets of my life.
In this month and a half, somehow this little room with a balcony, that I was ashamed I’d maybe paid too much for though I followed my gut in choosing it, became home. And don’t you know I’ve been looking for that? So I’m not going to trade it in for something shiny that dangles a certain kind of independence in my face.
My priorities have shifted, and that’s okay. I am not interested in packing myself up and leaving again. There’s no need. When the need arises again, I will deal with it then. But until then, I’ll do that saving that seems to give me so many options and move forward from where and when I am.