sounds like an adventure

As many questions as I ask, you might as well ask some too.   this blog started as a way for me to document my one year adventure abroad that lasted from April 1st, 2012 to April 4th, 2013. New York to Istanbul, Turkey to Greece, Greece to Italy, Italy to Spain, Spain back to Turkey, Turkey until the end. it was an amazing endeavor that i am incredibly grateful for. what then became of this blog was my adjustment in returning to the US. 6 months later it turns out my heart led me back across the Atlantic. now, for life in Istanbul: round two.

I saw this guy and girl meet each other while their dogs’ leashes were getting caught up in each other’s. It was like something out of a Rom Com. 

Halitağa Caddesi 
Yeldeğirmeni | Kadıköy | İstanbul 
April 2014

I saw this guy and girl meet each other while their dogs’ leashes were getting caught up in each other’s. It was like something out of a Rom Com.

Halitağa Caddesi
Yeldeğirmeni | Kadıköy | İstanbul
April 2014

— hace 18 horas con 2 notas
#my photos 
The door knocker looks like the head of a South Park character, maybe Stan or Kyle.

The door knocker looks like the head of a South Park character, maybe Stan or Kyle.

— hace 18 horas
#my photos 

"It ain’t my house, but ain’t it pretty?" photos #636394763 & 636394764
Kadıköy/Moda | İstanbul
April 2014

— hace 18 horas con 2 notas
#my photos 

Selvesies at Arka Oda
Kadıköy | İstanbul
April 2014

— hace 18 horas con 4 notas
#my photos 
There are so many things I’m not over that I want to be over.

There are so many things I’m over that I’m surprised to be over.

There are so many things I’d be over if I wasn’t afraid of how quickly I’d get over.

How Spring can be such a revival of things you thought you let go, and then you have to do the cleaning all over again.

— hace 2 días con 1 nota

You think if I can manage writing 3 pages minimum in my journal and a poem every day I can add a page in Turkish too? It may be time.

— hace 2 días
I was about to take an apartment for 1100TL a month

and put together all I could possibly manage to make it happen, call in favors, eat out less, maybe postpone that trip I’ve been thinking about to live in a room that acts as a living room, bedroom, and kitchen with an additional room as bathroom, just to have the experience of being alone and the type of freedom I imagined that affording, to feel like I had a bit more space. It is a little farther from things I’m used to accessing from a certain place but it’s not that bad and it did feel kind of spacious. And I know renting things out won’t be perfect and I could just make it mine. I thought about it over Turkish breakfast complete with Peynirli Menemen and bal-kaymak and wrote things out, how I can wrangle some money. I tried to remove the money excuse from my decisions and I did a good job. I was resourceful. And I felt rather empowered.

And then a strange thing happened, I walked into my current room and I felt like I had just come home, for the first time. I rearranged my furniture for more space and decorated my walls a bit the last couple of days and it must have done something bc all of a sudden I didn’t need something brand spanking new. I needed to work with what I have, who I am now. And I realized that in the updated narrative of my life, it was no longer true that I needed to live alone. What was true is that I needed to feel like I was home, and I had my own spacr and I created that somehow while curious and listening to music.

And I’m thinking now that all that money I was prepared to save and round up for May 1st (3300TL for first month’s rent, real estate commission and deposit) I can spend on buying a new, smaller, functioning laptop and travel money. Because in the updated narrative of my life, what I need is to see and experience something new with no contracts, no extras, I need freedom to move and to breathe and leave at a moment’s notice. And I need this familiar that I’ve gotten accustomed to. And instead of wanting to trade everything in, look at what I have and what I can work with and work towards.

Another fun fact, when I went to take a shower this morning and saw the bathroom light wasn’t coming on and that the water was fucking freezing and I wanted to kill someone and rip all my hair out at the same time because I’d assumed this meant my flatmates didn’t pay the bill. I later found out a fuse was just blown. And I know I make assumptions like this to protect me from other traumas in all facets of my life.

In this month and a half, somehow this little room with a balcony, that I was ashamed I’d maybe paid too much for though I followed my gut in choosing it, became home. And don’t you know I’ve been looking for that? So I’m not going to trade it in for something shiny that dangles a certain kind of independence in my face.

My priorities have shifted, and that’s okay. I am not interested in packing myself up and leaving again. There’s no need. When the need arises again, I will deal with it then. But until then, I’ll do that saving that seems to give me so many options and move forward from where and when I am.

— hace 4 días con 2 notas
#thoughts  #realizations  #money  #home  #shame  #updated narratives