For the last couple of weeks I’ve been saying that I haven’t cooked for myself since Kim came to visit. I had been telling people/thinking to myself that I hadn’t cooked for myself in a month. And it’s April now. Don’t you know that month turned into damn near two months?
And with not cooking for myself came more imbibing of Coca Cola. And incidentally I began a practice of drinking Turkish coffee with two of my students in every lesson. And I’m also pretty sure I ate chocolate every day for last three weeks straight. And I eat durum maybe five times last week. I have been eating fruit though. But I never drink enough water.
And oh! The smoking and drinking I’ve done. Nothing noteworthy if pitted against many people my age, I’d imagine. But my body says, “What does that have to do with us?”
And so, here I am mentioning all the things Google searches told me cause heart palpitations because, you know, I’ve been having them.
I’m also guilty of very little physical activity aside from brisk walks to the metro, ferry, metrobus and bus or the occasional long walk (at least in Istanbul that usually involves going up a hill).
AND THE ANXIETY, so much stress and anxiety has been surging through me. I could say months, but let’s be real, years, my whole life. There has been change in housing, friendships, romantic relationships and entanglements, professional (some bleeding over to personal) relationships, country and city hopping, monetary and physical security… Just. There never seems to be a moment’s rest. For the most part I handle it, but I’m just one person and I definitely forget to breathe.
I forget to breathe and it wears on (my lungs sure but also) my heart.
So, in this Spring revival and renewal of sorts I have to re-evaluate and adjust.
I started yesterday with only eating things I made for myself, comfort things I feel comfortable making. I can learn to experiment with food and eat healthier, again. Sometimes I really take for granted how much I love leafy greens and fruit and other things that are good for you. And I haven’t been giving them to myself. I want to change that for my heart, body and mind.
I can go from 0 to wanting to punch someone in the face or break something in like 20 seconds when I feel anxious. And usually a couple minutes later I find a solution and realize what I really needed was patience. I think patience counts for the big stuff too.
I’ve also been thinking recently about doing things that I’ve been wanting to do for a really long time but haven’t gotten around to. Usually I follow through even if it takes a couple years, like hey I’m living abroad and I cut my hair and I have a blog. But this month is about finally building up a yoga practice. It’s one of those things I love to do when I do it but somehow never give to myself regularly. And I have to surrender to the fact that I won’t be able to move how I used to like two years ago because I haven’t been as active. But again, here enters patience with loving kindness and grace.
I say all this to say I don’t want to fall out in the street, or not be able to get out of bed because I introduced an unholy (for me) stream of caffeine, alcohol, lazy eating, cigarettes, anxiety, stress and inactivity into my system. In that same vein I don’t want to palpitate over ill-treated heartbreak. And so begins an effort to carry more aware of do with and let into my body. One day at a time, of course.